but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
