soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
