Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
