Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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