Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Randomize
