WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
