I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
