I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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