Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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