Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
