I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
