Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
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