I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
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