I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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