walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
