I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
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