so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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