Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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