Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
