it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
