I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
