sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
