ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
