4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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