Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
