My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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