take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
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I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
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you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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