Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
