I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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