At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
