i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
