Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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