and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
