his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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