this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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