Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
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