i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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