you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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