Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
