hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
