god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
