Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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