It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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