you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize