I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
