My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
