i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
