what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
