so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize