Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
jump out the window naked night went bad
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
