Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
