Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
