I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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