Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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