I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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