just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
