I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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