I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
