Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
