I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
someone owes me an orgasm
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
